Interests:Jumping out of windows, putting my hands on the wheel, taking the road that will see me through, wondering if I'm the only one, sucking on a lemon, reading what's written on braille on my skin, doing everything for you, not resting until I break it, seeing spaceships over glasgow, blinding the skies and changing the atomic role.
anybody who gets all 10 references is amazing. Expertise:making song references.
Before I explain that, I'm just going to say that this post has nothing to do with me, or anything that's really going on in my life right now. This has to do, in some ways with my past at most, but not even that. I've just been frustrated with a few friends recently, and I'm just trying to think it out.
So I have two friends who are both lesbians and lonely. And they keep looking for people, like lonely people do I suppose. One of them, who I will call "the first girl," is crazy, but super awesome and I love her. She's been trying really hard to get a girlfriend, but hasn't succeeded. She's very... particular about who she dates. She hasn't had that much experience, but the girls she has been with have all been very pretty. So she's, well, shallow, and aware of it. She wants to date someone attractive. But it's gotten to a point where I just want to yell at her, you know? She goes on and on about how bad the selection is here, but I think she has many reasonable options, the most likely of whom (named Allie) would make a lot of sense.
Allie dated someone last year. The first girl thought she was really attractive last year. But they broke up over the summer, and Allie changed her appearance. She dyed her hair, got a mohawk and (according to the first girl, but no one else I know) gained some weight. So now the first girl doesn't think Allie is attractive. But Allie is single, and I think, a pretty good fit for her. But the first girl does not want to be in a relationship with her. I don't understand why.
The second girl (I'm good at coming up with psuedonyms for people aren't I?) is different. We sort of tried to set her up with a friend, Jenny. I think Jenny is super cool, but the second girl might be a bit more adventerous or a little more wild (not like, party wild, more like, hilarious). I don't know. I still think they're good people, and it would work out generally ok. Maybe not as good as the first girl and Allie, but it's still something. But the second girl isn't that into Jenny, even after they've been on a date. And this is where the question I posed at first really crosses my mind. I don't know. I guess I'll never know, and I guess people will never learn to know. Whatever.
I think the hardest part is that both of these friends would probably be great together. At least, they get along really well as friends. But I don't think either of them would admit that. It's frustrating.
1) What accomplishments from 2008
are you most proud of?
I’m most
proud of my first real relationship, toughing out through spring quarter to get
what I wanted (aka a job and apartment for the summer), making really great
friends, and most of all, being happy with who I am and starting to develop some
confidence in myself.
2) What successes have you forgotten
or perhaps overlooked – that you might want to acknowledge yourself
for now (e.g. a task well done; new learning; a courageous act; other?)
I’m glad
that I haven’t really caused much drama among people I know.I mean, sometimes drama is useful and
liberating (like in 2007), but there was a lot of stuff going down among my
friends that just didn’t have any point, and while I guess I was involved in
some of that, I did a pretty good job being a low-drama person, as my boyfriend
might say.It just made
relationships/friendships easier, I suppose.
3) What did you learn about yourself
last year?
I like
people.Like, in general, I always try
to give people the best chance and I don’t dislike people for the most
part.I mean, there’s exceptions of
course, but I’m pretty good at forgiving flaws, at least for a period, until
they get overwhelming or too annoying.
4) In what way(s) have you grown?
Who have you ‘become’ in the evolution of “you”? (e.g. wiser, more
courageous, more open….etc.?)
I’ve
become much happier and more relaxed, in general.I mean, not always, I will always have some
self-doubt and anxiety (especially when it comes to awkward interactions), but
I’ve become more confident in a way that I never really was.I guess that’s good.
5) What are you choosing to let go
of this year so you can begin fresh in the New Year?
I guess I’m
still going through the continuous process of letting go of home, which is kind
of depressing, but I’m happier leaving home than I am staying at home.Part of that process is taking some things
with me, but a lot of it is just getting over the shit I went through and
letting go of the feelings that still bother me from time to time.
6) What were the high points of the
past year?
There were
so many!Lollapalooza, Cubs vs. White
Sox, OBAMA, gay pride parade, making friends with my group of friends I have
now, Andrew Michael Neilson Kromer and all the things related to us dating, my
apartment over the summer, and everything else.It was such a good year!
7) What inspiration (a moment,
thought/idea; experience) will you carry forward in 2009?
I hope to
carry my liking of people, because I feel like that’s slipping.Part of that is being in the dorm- when I’m
stressed, and can’t avoid people who I probably should be avoiding, it just
makes things worse.Hopefully getting an
apartment will fix that.But I don’t
want to become judgmental, which I feel like a lot of my friends are.
8 ) How would you complete the
following sentence: “This was the year of ___” (fill in the blank with a word
or phrase that captures a theme most meaningful for you)
This was
the year of maintaining the upward trend.
THE YEAR AHEAD:
1) What are you most looking forward
to in 2009?
Getting an
apartment with Kelly and Matt!and maybe
Kristin.But I really hope that works
out!I really like both of them and I think
it would be great to be roommates with them.I’m also looking forward to exploring photography more.And the summer, which should be AMAZING this
year.
2) What do you want more of in 2009?
I want a
better lab job that would actually work out.My lab job was difficult but not very satisfying, and it became an
annoyance by the end.Science is very
interesting and challenging, so it has the potential to be a good job, but I
hope it will work out in a way that it just didn’t in 2008.
3) What do you want less of?
Less stress.I’m getting tired of it.I mean, it’ll definitely be there (woo
University of Chicago!) but I want it to be less exhausting.I want it to be something that I can handle
and be something that moves me forward rather than just freak me out.
4) What new learning goals do you
have for yourself for the year ahead?
I want to
learn how to distinguish between what my opinions are and what are the opinions
of others that I don’t necessarily share.I have some opinionated friends that can overshadow how I actually feel,
and while that’s not necessarily a flaw on their part, I just need to develop
confidence in my own ideas.
5) What other goals are important to
you right now?
Getting a
good lab job, and not letting my soon-to-be-over relationship get the worst of
me, and still be happy despite losing someone I have strong feelings for at
this point.I have to let him get on
with his life and make important decisions (job!grad school! where to live!) without getting
in the way.I understand why he wants to
break up, and I generally agree, but I hope I get over him.
6) How will you actualize these
goals?
Good
fucking question.I’ll make that up as I
go.Hopefully with my friends.
It's very weird how I've lost the feelings to my home town over the past year or so. I mean, I guess I haven't been gone for that long, only since september of last year, but I don't seem to have the urge to go back. I keep wondering if everybody else feels this way whose gone away to college, but I don't think it's true for most people. Most people still seem to have some desire to return home, if only for a little while. I do not.
I mean, in some ways that makes me kind of sad- I do miss those select friends who I still want to talk to (they know who they are, I hope, or else we have a problem). And it's not like I'm completely separated from home- it catches up to me in various ways that I won't describe here. But Thanksgiving is coming up. And I could stay here- many people do, and there's actually a sort-of Thanksgiving dinner that's supposed to be a ton of fun. And I want to. I don't really want to go home. I will be home, but I donno. It's not gonna be what I want.
I wish I could bring those good elements from home back here, because there are some. But they pale in comparison with the discomfort I often feel at home. Home to me has t remarkable ability to erase the progress I've made. Here, I am just about completely comfortable with being gay, but at home it feels like high school again- silent and awkward. Here, I don't even think I'm that much happier, but everything is such an adventure, and home just feels like a break from the action that I didn't really ask for. I'm like a different person- more confident, more playful, and more comfortable than I ever was in high school. I'm learning more about myself, life, and everything in between than I ever did at home. Ultimately, I think that's the real reason I don't want to go home again.
Actually, making the ice cream part kind of failed. We found recipes online, and put it all together in an old-fashioned ice cream maker, but it was taking too damn long to freeze. So we just kinda drank it as a milkshake-esque rasberry flavored thingamajig. It was still damn good though.
But that's not good. The sitting around and just talking for like 3 hours was the good part. We didn't even need to do anything, really, while we just waited for the ice cream to sort-of freeze. We could just sit and talk about making a band with only a hammond dulcimer, a mandolin, an acoustic guitar, and beatboxing, or discuss how one passes the time in shop class by learning bloody knuckles. It was good times.
And among the group was a boy, who I'm not sure if I like or not, but people are kinda suggesting I should do something with him, which isn't a bad idea, but I donno. He's a nice guy, with really good music tastes and he's a great cook, but something about him doesn't excite me like I feel like it should. I don't understand it, really. I think he reminds me too much of myself. Awkward, yet kind of charming in a way. I don't understand. Meh, we'll see how this works out. It's a complicated situation.
Each day, I biked downtown into Grant Park for the festival. I consider that to be a good decision, because even though it was a decently long bike ride (30-45 minutes), and I ended up riding back somewhat late at night, I avoided public transportation and that made things so much simpler. Anyway, I started off the festival with the Go! Team. Anybody that knows me knows that I love the Go! Team passionately, and they were number 2 on the list of bands I wanted to see the most (number 1 was Radiohead, of course). And they delivered. They pumped out an exuberant, energetic, and fantastic set that made me ridiculously happy. They're just such a fun band. Unfortunately, some fucking sluts almost ruined it when they pushed they're way up front, danced like whores, hit my friend in the face and poured water on her, and made out with random guys next to them. But those awful people aside, it was a good start.
And then I started waiting. I went over to the stage where Radiohead was playing. And I started standing in my spot at around 4:15, when the band Gogol Bordello come on. They're described as a Gypsy Punk band, because they use the accordion a lot, and they're punk. And they're insane. Lots of screaming, fast guitar playing, shouting, and crazy fans. But they were very entertaining, though I must say, they did get exhausting by the end, and I just wanted their set to end because of how ridiculous it was.
And then I waited some more when they were done. I started to get a little claustraphobic, and moved back a bit to a less-crowded part (at the time), and the heat started to get to me as well. I managed to sit a little, with everybody's feet around me. An hour passed. Bloc Party takes the stage, which is very needed. They play a solid set, and even though I'm not the biggest fan of theirs, I'm very entertained. They know how to please the crowd, and they play a couple of damn good songs.
And then I wait some more. People are getting antsy. Many have been waiting for a while. There's a lot of weed in the air to calm people's nerves. People are kind of drunk. Other people are deseprately trying to push themselves closer to the stage, with very little success, as soon enough, people just stop letting them through. But before you know it, Radiohead comes on. It's like a wave of relief as the anxiousness, the ill-temper, and the uncomfort because of the heat disappear, and everything was right with the world. Radiohead go on like old pros, playing a great set like it's nothing. Everybody is entertained, pleased, and emotional, as for many, it was their first time seeing Radiohead. And people suffered for it. But it was worth it just to hear Thom Yorke's beautiful falsetto up close and personal.
Day 2
I start off day too a little later because of how exhausted I was from day one when I got home. I end up getting to the festival around 3, and I find my way to the stage Explosions in the Sky is playing out. It's a different environment from yesterday- everybody is more chill and relaxed, and they just want to enjoy the music. And god, Explosions played a really great set- one of the best of theirs I've heard. They used the space to their advantage, turning their guitars up to 11, and blasting the shit out of everyone's ears. Many around me started to cringe and cover their ears, but I loved it. They're such an emotional band, and they seemed to play their best, most appropriate songs for the occasion, and it's just a great show to me.
After some chilling out and eating, I come back to the stage for Broken Social Scene. I'm excited for their show, because they put on a great show at the 9:30 club a few years back. They changed their songs up, made it interesting, and made it lush as all hell. But that doesn't happen here. What I get instead is lots of solo work, and not enough actual Broken Social Scene. I am disappointed. They have officially lost their recklessness that made You Forgot It In People and Broken Social Scene such great albums, replaced instead with songs that are too polished and uninteresting.
A little bit more chilling out as I wait for Wilco to come on, which isn't that far away. They come out wearing glitzy, bright colored suits, with lots of crazy shit sowed onto them. They make lots of jokes about said sowing. And they kick ass too. They are such a tight band, with really great solos coming out of the guitars, and lots of energy coming from Jeff Tweedy. It's a really good time, especially because it was such a nice night, and they were playing some damn good songs.
Day 3
I get down there and kind of wander for a bit. I listen to Newton Faulkner, and I'm quite intrigued. I'll have to make sure to check him out sometime. Soon enough, I find my way back to Iron and Wine, and wait for them to come on. I really enjoy them live, because they make their songs interesting and change them up in many ways, adding creative beats and jam sessions to their music. Some people think it's boring, which I understand, but it pleases me, so I'm happy with their set. They sure do a beautiful job with "Upward Over the Mountain," a really great song live.
I start to sort-of wander a little more. I check out Flogging Molly, who drew a fucking huge crowd for the time they performed (5:15), but I'm a little disappointed. I donno, I just didn't think they were as much fun as Gogol Bordello, and I'm not into it as much. I end up leaving after a few songs, and head over to where Girl Talk is playing.
It's an unfortunate stage on a street, so everybody is packed into it like it's an alley. It makes for an uncomfortable venue right from the start, as I'm shoulder to shoulder with everybody, and by the time the show's about to start, it's fucking packed. And then the show begins, and boy, does this guy know how to throw a party. People on stage with him blow up large balloons of G and T and throw them in the crowd, and then pull out leaf blowers with toilet paper rolls on the ends, throwing toilet paper into the crowed. And the party begins, let me tell you. It's fun at first- being shoved left and right to the beat of some crazy dance track he's made purely out of samples of other people's songs, but before you know it, it gets painful. I sort of lose control over the position of my body, and I decide, about 20 minutes into the show, to leave. That in itself was an experience, as I'm eventually shoved into a single-file line of other people who have decided they are too uncomfortable to enjoy the show, and I'm pushed in various directions for about 15 minutes as I try to get myself out of the sprawling crowd. It's a shame, because he really knows how to throw a party, but I just couldn't enjoy it.
Back over to the other side of the park for some food and a delicious, delicious smoothie that I wish I had another one of right now as I type this. I start to wait for the last band I'll see, Nine Inch Nails. A surprisingly diverse crowd, age wise especially, has crowded the stage, and Trent Reznor and co come out on stage to start tearing it up. They are loud, energetic, and have crazy crazy lighting that risks seizures. Unfortunately, about a half hour into the set, the weather started to look shady, and considering I biked down and have to bike back, I decide to leave. I'm not terribly into NIN anyway, but they seem to play a good live show.
And that's my Lollapalooza experience. I doubt any of you will read all of that. I donno, I kinda wrote this more for me, so I could look back on this and remember it.
